And as the city diminished,
Engine slowly revving,
Just the sound of wind through our ears,
And a song on our lips,
We remembered how it felt,
How everything should be felt,
Synchronous, easy, natural…..
What is fear?
Is it the sensation that always keeps you on your toes?
Or is it the shivers that runs down your spine every-time you experience the unexpected?
People say that fear has many effects on them. For some it acts as a catalyst, pushing them to their limits. For others it maybe be an inhibitor that chokes down their throats, making it hard to breathe.
I had once believed fear of the unknown is thrilling. The adrenaline rush, the rushlanes. Everything seemed so mystic, so divine that it felt as if its all part of a bigger plan. But things started to fall apart. My plan of becoming big at a younger age seemed a lost cause. And why did this happen? For starters it seemed easy. Accepting defeat at the hands of my greatest fear. It made me feel a little more relaxed than the days before. A little complacent, a little more aware of my surroundings. It felt as giving up on overcoming my fears is the practical choice as life is about moving on.
My fear was the fear of a failure because for the first time in my life, I got a real sense of what failure was like. Its like falling deep down an endless hole in the ground, like a piece of paper that drifts hopelessly in the wind without any purpose or worth. It started getting to my veins. Everything around me turned into a concoction of some serious malaise, something looking me every-time I ventured outside my zone of comfort or my room which had become my only partner in this journey. Its the time like these you realise that loneliness can both be a boon and a bane and that there would be times when you’ll want to be alone with just a few very important people, few very close, intimate people that may share the vision same as yours. Those people came to my life in the form of my loving family, my parents, brother, my two adorable pets and two of the most amazing people life gave me a gift of. This family, this little globe of mine soon turned into my cocoon which I could always be comfortable in because they had the audacity to care of anyone more than just themselves. They would listen to me break down everytime I would hit rock bottom, gave me the strength to stand again and face my fears. I had at one point of my life started to think that maybe this is my fate, that this is what I am supposed to do. But they made me believe otherwise. A bird has faith in its wings, they would say and make me take a leap of faith once again, everytime failure dragged me down and pinned me under.
This process, fighting your fear might look too complicated. It surely is difficult but maybe it isn’t such a conundrum as we might think it is. It isn’t about a timeframe or a test of anything thats physical. The body can do things only the mind can wonder. It isn’t a race either wherein you’ll be a winner only if you came at first. The world is replete with examples of people who dared to fail, who dared to think that maybe someday it would all be worth it, that maybe life is all about trying it until it gets done.
I have believed in the sanctity of dreams, the power of imagination and the will of the mind because these things are ingrained in a being right from the day one gets a heartbeat in a womb. Dreams are what makes us humans and trying to achieve them is the most humane thing to do until and unless it involves crushing down dreams or lives of others which in no religion or language or culture of the world is acceptable.
Fear is a part of the human psychosis and would be there for eternity. For fear is what makes a man do things that once he wouldn’t have ever imagined. Fear is necessary as the sudden rush of adrenaline gives you the horsepower to steam full ahead and barge on the doors of success until it finally breaks and lets you in.
So as I part with a little something that’s been going on with me for sometime now, I just want to tell you it’s okay to be feared. I am too.
You are stronger than what you think you are.
FULL STEAM AHEAD…..!!!!!!!!
As the night slowly descends,
The ghosts of the past,
The mistakes, the lost and the smothered,
The boy scared to his deepest bones,
Prepares himself for them,
Those that have chased him for eternity,
Hopelessness, despair and plight,
Everynight they come,
Sometimes shrivels him in his sleep,
Sometimes drop him to the trenches deep,
The boy scared and lonely,
Closes his eyes and tell himself each day,
This all would be worth someday,
For the night is not eternal,
For the plight is not eternal…..
बारिश की बूँदें गिरती हैं ऐसे,
कुछ बोझ सा हल्का कर दिया हो बादलों ने जैसे,
सच्ची मोहब्बत का इकरार,
हो या फिर एक दबी हुई आस,
कुछ ऐसे ही बरसते हैं गरजते हुए बादल,
धरती तो फिर महान है,
जो बर्दाश्त कर जाती है,
पर सेह नहीं पाते वो पुराने दरख्त,
अकस्मात सी बारिश या गड़गड़ाहट,
गिरा जाती है उन्हें,
टूट जाते हैं वो कच्चे धागे,
वो कसमें, वो वादे, वो इज़्ज़त, वो प्यार,
वापिस कहाँ आते हैं वो……
As alcohol went inside his veins,
Slowly blurring the excellent vision he had,
Deepening the sense of judgment,
He still drove away,
Away from the excitement of the city,
Away from the scars of the life he couldn’t call his own,
The lit brothels that sometimes brought him satisfaction,
The gory eyes of all those who had expected something from him,
The lights on his car scurring along the curves of the road,
The loud music that had somehow concealed the havoc inside his heart that he had lost track of,
He stopped alongside the road,
Winded down the windows so that he could feel the cold wind on his skin,
And closed his eyes to feel what it was like to be alive,
Took out a cigarette that he had brought from tiny hands,
First puff, second puff, last cigarette,
The stars seem a lot closer than before,
He told himself,
Sat down on the edge of the cliff,
You win today, he cried out loud,
But tomorrow shall be mine,
He said while moving back to the same city he had escaped from,
Alcohol had brought him to his senses……..